Is there something you truly regret?

A friend asked me this after my lecture to him after hearing ‘some of his issues’. I said to regret having done something that you thought right at the time is an utter waste. I mean, it’s the present that matters right? As long as its not something really dreadful…
I said no.
“Not even your fistifights in college?”. Yea, hes a college friend.
No I’d enjoyed all those.
Well, I do feel bad about my fights with mum and friends. I’d regret it later too. But that never stopped me from repeating, so my regret was kind of semi-thingy.

Then for no reason at all my mind flew to my NCC Days. For those who don’t know it is National Cadet Corps.  

I always enjoyed my NCC Camps. Even though we had to get up at 5, stand in queue in front of the few bathrooms, put on PT clothes, assemble for roll call at 5:45 and then proceed for the 4km jog (boys had to do 8kms) and the exercise and meditation afterwards. Oh those were the times I hardly noticed what they gave for breakfast. Mummy would never believe it. Even though we had to obey our seniors who mostly were arrogant BC slimies.

As usual I made myself a few enemies. There was one I truly loathed, Praveen (it’s a girl). We managed a fight on the second day. Lotta kicking, scratching, hitting etc while rolling on the floor. Kerala cadets cheered me while Punjab cadets cheered for her. Our room head was shouting hoarse, as if we’d listen. She poured a bucket of water over us, yea like they do to fighting street dogs, uff! Then she gave us punishment. Extra 2 kms at 12:30 noon for 3 days. That was pretty harsh.

The head was my one close friend at the camp. I told her that I won’t rest until I pay back that bitch. She told me to do it discreetly so that she wouldn’t have to punish me again. I smiled at that. Awesome girl!

Now thinking out a plan was quite quick. I didn’t tell anyone for I was sure they’d try to stop me. At the camp we were to wash our own utensils though some seniors got junior cadets to do it. The washing place is always infested with crows due to the food remains there. Plan wasn’t much. I just waited to finish her meal and dashed upstairs with my plate. She reached the tap. I scooped my remains, took aim and threw it on her head. You can imagine what happened next. ATTAAACK!

Unfortunately my friend was not impressed. She was horrorstuck. She was like,
“Ni, I wont snitch about you or anything, but I think you should explain it to her and say sorry. God, you are horrible. She was trembling 2 hours after the attack”
“Yea, and she wont snitch at all”, I said sarcastically.
“Wow, courageous cadet”
“Ok, I will say it was me but no way I am gonna say sorry”
“Then its better you don’t say anything to her at all, she will feel horrible and I don’t want anymore of this war. I hate punishing you”
I was grinning broadly. They say camp friendships usually don’t last. I am glad mine is still…J
I kinda feel ashamed to say that whenever she passed we (ie the Kerala cadets) would take up ‘caw caw cawwwww…’

I Guess I regret it now.


I Hate Weddings

Mummy knows this. So she never forces me to get up on Sundays or expect me to make myself up for a few hours of torture. When I was small I used to take comics or books with me. This quickly earned a name for me, so I had to stop that.
Though mum does pass wistful comments and say how nice it would be to have me with her and how other daughters of my age were there wearing great designer stuffs, looking gorg and all.

She keeps saying that it is good for me to meet my relatives and suchlike once in a while. Yea sure. Relatives have an amazing knack of shooting up my nerves to a pinpoint. Since I am not allowed to be rude, I have an option of subtle sarcasm. But one does get tired of these tongue twister games.

Yea mum is kind of scared for me. She says its high time I become more social and mingle with all kinds of people and not just the few I like and all that. Long lectures on tolerance and acceptance never go amiss either including the importance of maintaining such ‘ties’.
Ties, my balls! Since wedding politics is not my forte, let me pass please.

And I hate the clothes they pick up for me in these occasions. I don’t have a voice here (until recently).
And then come aunts and uncles. Oh on such excellent terms we are. And a wedding background is just the catalyst we need. Duhuh!!!
The commonest grumble is about people going on and on about when my wedding would be and all the remaining blas.   

Goddd! If ever I marry I want (hope) it to be a court marriage and may be a small dinner party later. Yea, I know it’s a practically impossible idea. And being an Indian girl (Yawn + Grrr), oh lets not even go there.

Is there any point in fighting? Of course, Rebellion is the spice of life eh?
Whooooppppppppppppppps!!!!!!!!!! Mmuah!


Yea, I believe in fairies

Books, books and so many books. What do I do with them?

Yea, yesterday I was cleaning my bookshelf and suddenly it stuck me that I do have so many, both English and Malayalam. Old classics, poetry, plays, short stories, novelles... Dejavu once more. Those days when I used to do nothing but read read and read shutting out the world. I was really happy in my own world. Such a self-centred one.

Friends and cousins used to tease me a lot. They used to try simply everything to prise my head out of books. Oh those guilt trips were hilarious.

‘You can have your books any time, but we wont be around always’
‘If you do this to me I will never come here again’
Not to mention mummy’s perpetual ‘Baaabyyyy…’ banging off the walls every 5 minutes.

* TV was almost absent in the first 14 years of my life. It was just there in the house

As I was dusting my Blytons, Nancy Drews, Agatha Christies, Holmes and numerous classics, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge pensive.  

Little Women – I must have read it around a 100 times. But Little Men was not as good.
White Nights – Oh how romantic! (though I didn’t understand much at the time)
Three Men in a Boat – Mummy declared me abnormal when I roared with laughter thinking about it. (All time fav)
Wizard of Oz - Mmuah!
O Henry and Maugham Short Stories – Inspiring
Chekov Stories – Deliciously sad
Rapunzel – Used to dream of prince on horseback coming to save me (from what)
Highway Man – Riding Riding Riding
William School Stories – If I have a kid like William… (LOL)
R K Narayan’s – Just India.
Vaikom Muhammad Basheer - Ahhh... Hes the God!!!

*My Sis keeps a notebook with summaries of all the books she has read. Wish I did something like that now. Sigh!!!

Books sometimes cause partial MPD. The best thing is that my friend who read also told me the same thing. How can I so easily lose my ‘self’ like that? Trust me, this is the best form of escapism!

My tastes in books may have changed, but not the partial MPD. Shakespeare, Shaw, Jane Austen, Pamuk, Tolstoy, and lots of such big names replaced Blyton, Goosebumps and the rest. Pamuk is real close to heart. I still feel for the character of his dead body even now when I read ‘My Name is Red’ for the umpteenth time.

I remember Ayn Rand books made me exceptionally cynical for a few days though I am not over the top about her Fountainhead like my other friends. After reading 100 years of Solitude I could barely face people. Kite Runner made me cry for days (the part where Sohrab says that he feels dirty). Thousand Splendid Suns made me yell with fury at the plight of women in certain part of the world. I was in a semi-depression after reading Passport. Same goes with Godaan and Color Purple.

Quite the Jekyll and Hyde!

But this is nothing. My friend Nithya after reading the book ‘Blindness’, she actually felt that the whole world has gone blind. And she asked her mother, ‘Ammeh, can you see me?’

Oh no! 3 of my books are missing. Pickwick Papers, Rape of Lock and White Castle! This means murder!!! How could Mummy let this happen? I should put a lock to my shelf!

But again, what do I do with those books? Give them to my kids? What if they don’t like reading? I want my books to be used well.

I think I will bequeath collection to Kunjoos after my death. He loves books though he is more into comics and detective types (I was too, at his age). I am sure he will take care of them all.

World is full of them – Part I

This post is my answer to my friend’s convenient confusion.
Of course it feels great when people ask you for advice, especially stuffs skating over topics like philosophy, romance,  ideology etc. You feel all important. Today I got a mail from my friend. It was short.
“Ni, Need to talk. Be free after 9. Will call”
Duhuh!!! It is highly unusual for this friend or any other friends for that matter to make an appointment before calling me. Corporate Effect? Whatever!
We had our talk. Yawn! Another case of heart-break. It has been a while. She was just getting over her depression stage. Someone else asked her out. And she agreed because she wanted to move on, forget him, show him that she is not a loser, bla bla bla. And what do I think?
I tried my best to sound sensitive. But it was difficult. She wants to know what I think.
Okay, here she goes.
When will people stop doing these kinds of outdated tricks in love? Yea, 'Love'!'I mean, trying to make people jealous, grabbing tainted attention, going out with just anyone just because you want to show that you are all cool. Yea, the world is full of them.
Is it necessary to be with someone else (whom you don’t even care about) to move on? This Funda is beyond me.
Instead of concentrating on tagging after some psychotic loser why not dig for some other options  for a change? Like n new hobby?  Like going for music classes or sports coaching or any such stuff?
Or are you too used getting your expenses taken care of by any random bf?
If you really wanna be the dudette and move on, you have 1000s of options. World is not so dull. And definitely not a bad place to be in. 


Harry Potter and Nutcases

Today is the 7th anniversary of my G-group. I am not allowed to disclose the name though. I have not shared about this to anyone before. But now I really feel like writing about it.
And I saw the HP-7 movie, first day first show as usual. It was great unlike its predecessors. They were so duhuh. I couldn’t wait to log in to my special G-group id. It was created by my friend Jazmine. There are 7 of us and yea it is exclusively ours. We met through the fan forum, became friends and the best thing is that we are from different nations. Simple Coincidence.
HP has been a part of me since the age of 11, same age as Harry was then. My sister gifted me my first book. HP was not so well known in India then. Anyways I have few friends with similar book-taste.

Harry is still 17. We crossed the ageline. Sigh!
I used to pretend that my school was Hogwarts. I used to see people in cloaks walking by, candles hung in the air, roof of the building bewitched to resemble sky etc. Oh I was very much a part of the magical world. Ha!
I don’t know how 7 of us became friends exactly but I think we kinda liked each others reviews and 1 comment led to more and so on. Over the years the seven of us grew really close. Oh not like those jobless obsessive ninnies who pee-sleep-poo on facebook.

We logged in only during the initial-excitement-days of book launch or movie release.
I am particularly close to Jazmine. She is from Argentina. She is the only one who phones me occasionally. She knows quite a bit of Malayalam now. She is the one who got me into Argentine-sit coms. They are way too cool. And I simply love their music. Nothing like Indian Telly Ew!
Well back to our group. I just logged in at 12:00 to wish everyone. And oh my! All were online which happens only on this day. We had a long discussion. Awesome!
It does not take much to be happy does it?


Dealing with perverts

This inspired me to make this post. This is a highly spirited topic among us girls which may probably be second only to clothes. I have had many experiences in this regard. the three I'm mentioning stand out because I emerged the top dog. There are other loser scenes of mine too when I used to come back home and cry in my room. No, I never confided to anyone which made things worse for me. 

Incident 1: It happened when I was in +2. I felt something at my behind. I didn't need to look behind to make sure what was happening. Making sure what I contemplated was for real, I beaten up the dude-without-an-e with my record books (that was my deadline for submitting the record works) like crazy. People were looking on. As usual passive bystanders! Unfortunately one of my classmates witnessed the scene and spread the news. I achieved an overnight notoriety.

Incident 2: I was traveling to Calicut from Cochin. Again a similar sensation. I didn't think 'Why me!' Due to my journalism streak or something I guess, I made a hue and demanded that the bus be taken to police station. The middle-aged pervert (ammavan) was arrested. The funniest thing was there were people to vouch for the offender. They practically glared at me for delaying the bus. Obviously literacy isn't everything.

Incident 3: Delhi. I was searching for the Khanna Stadium where I had enrolled for tennis coaching. I saw a guy of around (probably)15  standing by a bike. He gave me the directions not without scanning me from top to bottom. Duh, I care 2 hoots. Then he was like,
"Mein Chod-dun?" (Shall I drop you?)
For some reason I was amused.
"Kyun chod-doge tum mujhe?" (Why would you drop me?), I asked with a mocking smile.
This simple question cum the smile kind of paralyzed him. He just fled.Haha!

Though it is not likely to work again, I kind of like the third tactic. I feel proud.



It is such a beautiful yet haunting word. Our faith is something caught between the stifling hopelessness and dazzling temptations. I have often wondered if I am an atheist or even agnostic. But no, I do believe. And I do know that there is a God. Now don’t ask me how!
I mean if something bad turns up, the instant utter would be OMG! My friend Rajesh says that it is not because I am a believer, but due to socialization. Duhuh! And of course I hate those self-righteous piss-offs who have nothing else in life except force their opinions and beliefs on young ones! Go and boil your heads. Let me tell you, you are not making any change. Only jolly annoying!
And about religion I don’t know what to say! If being born in a Muslim family makes you a Muslim, then I am one. Otherwise I am not qualified to be called a Muslim.
I don’t do salahs unless mummy screams and chase me. In fact I can’t remember ever doing my prayers unless fed up with mummy’s nagging, her stringent warnings of being burnt in hell and all that. I observe fast because I like the idea behind it. I hate covering my head and all those jobless people spending sleepless nights because I show hair!
It’s not that I changed because I stayed in metros for some years. I have always been like this. I do pray to God. I do not forget to thank God. I do not forget to demand. I do not forget to say sorry. In fact there is a constant communication. Or is it that I talk to myself?


When in high spiritz… Part 1

Dia: (laughing) You know yar, you are so pretty, inside n outside! I love you.
Ania: (Hic) Thanks…Here have a fag…
Dia: (Inhale) Mmmm… Here…

Ania finished the cig, put the stub among the rubbish (Chicken bones, remains, bottles and such) on the newspaper spread on the bed and started on the next cig. Went on talking, laughing all the while!

Ania: What is that smell?
Dia: (Burp) What?
Ania: Something burning!
Dia: Eh…?
Ania: Something Burning!!!
Dia: Oh gardener burning rubbish

Ania: Fuck you, the bed is on fire!!!
Dia: What!
Ania: FIRE, OMG…!
Dia: Haha! I’ll pour some beer then…
(Dia tilted the bottle and Ania snatched the bottle at once)
Ania: (Screaming) Are you outta your fuckin mind?!!

Ania looked wildly for water, ran to the bathroom. Dia doubled up with laughter, seeing a lazy fat ass like Ania moving so fast. Ania put out the fire. It wasn’t that big a fire anyway! A bit of the bed burnt away. Ania and Dia looked at each other and burst out laughing!!!

More Spirited Tales Coming…!



Childhood was not that bad. In fact it was splendid. I used to go about my own sweet way not caring about anything or anyone, not caring who all get hurt and all the rest of it. I think I hated all grown ups simply because they were grown ups and had some uncanny control over me.
I think the relationship between me and mummy was all hotchpotches. It was all so confusing. Did I love her? Did I hate her? But since I was too busy running around, climbing and exploring, I chose the abstract path of ignorance.
When I see and interact with kids today and see their maturity and sensibility over little and big things I feel so ashamed of my childhood. I needed mummy for everything. She even used to put on my socks and tie for me a long time. And woe betides her if I fall sick. How she must have suffered the rough edge of my obstinacy and temper.
I have had more than my share of mischief, fun and my own way about things in those days. Now I want those days back just so that I can make up to her. Though I had my good times with mummy, I wish I could get rid of certain black moments which happened often enough.
  • It is a universal fact that mothers can be very annoying at times.
  • My mummy, being small and gentle could never refuse or force anything on me. If she tried I lashed out in a real callous manner. But she never stopped trying.
  • I remember those days when I come home after school covered in dirt and bruises, she used to get so upset and angry and bathe my wounds with dettol. It stung so badly that I would simply loathe her for her hard-heartedness.
  • I remember her pacifying the neighbours and teachers telling them that I am not all that bad – in vain!
  • I remember her shocked and upset face every time I destroy stuffs in home in my temper. I never apologized even when I felt bad, but would go and talk to her random as though nothing had happened. But that was enough for her.
  • I pretended not to notice her silent tears after evening namaz/salah or in bed fully aware that I am the cause.
  • Some times she couldn’t stop herself from giving me tight slaps with her rolling pin. My retort would be to sulk and refuse food which was the highest revenge I could take. And in her desperation she’d come before me saying sorry and making up in various ways.
  • Every time I get into scrape she’d threaten to tell papa when he calls. But she never tells. I thought it was because she loved me. Later I came to understand that it was because she loved him more.
  • Once I tried to run away (I was in class 2 or 3), luckily she caught me from the bus stop just as I was climbing in some random bus. I had 10rs with me. I thought I could live forever with that. 
And I can go on and on. But may be later...


Obscure Bliss

“Why did you get a job so far, leaving your people and friends and sacrificing good food, struggling with life?”

“I don’t know. May be because I have already had too much of love, attention and protection and I need to experience other things…?”

“Come back Nidaa, we’ll have fun and everybody will be happy.”


Yea, I know that.
But will I be happy? I know I’ll be pampered to bits by my people. I have almost everything there - my big bedroom, my huge book collection, TV, internet, yumlicious food, school n college friends, and living in a beautiful and unhurried small town. Then why am I here, at the other end, living in a cave-like room towards which 1/3rd of my salary goes? I can easily earn around 20k over there too. Then why?

Chains! I am shit scared of 'em. In fact paranoid. If I go back, there are a whole lotta uncomfortable things buttered with love that I will have to handle delicately. I don’t want to spend all my time on m'toes, sorting out my dilemmas. Living here, I have a clear idea what I want to do, ranging from tennis coaching to 2nd MA to Civils Service Prep to horse riding and lots of tos.

• If I feel like a moonlight walk after midnight I can.

• If I want o go cycle riding in the afternoon I can.

• If I want to read or watch movies or browse all night and sleep the entire day I can. 

• If I want to call people over anytime I can.

The if-list is never ending.

And I especially don't want to give up my back-pack-trips-on-whims!!!

I know this post will hurt some people. May be it is the young blood, but being completely responsible for my actions without feeling guilty or having to convince anyone even family is pure bliss. And you know what, my family understands even if they don't like it.At least that is what I like to believe.

I feel like an individual here.


Random 25 before I turned 25

1. Me? A pampered brat who is the sole cause of my mummy’s silver hair and my papa’s baldilocks. I still am, but have learned strategies and tactics to cover up my tracks.

2. No matter how I stuff myself with chocolates, cakes, biriyani, juice and even junks I never gain weight. It’s been 41-42 kgs for years. Sad isn't it? I wish I could put on some. It will make me look a bit more imposing and intimidating (I hope).

3. It has taken me almost 2 decades to appreciate and love my family like I should. Most of my life I was an indifferent, insensitive and ungrateful one.

4. I have been a tomboy the first half of my life and used to enjoy treating and treated rough. But now? Ew!

5. Complex unlimited: I wish I had a pointy nose; I have a lisp and can’t pronounce the ‘l’ sound properly.

6. I was involved in fisticuffs in my school and college life.

7. I love Carnatic Music. I cried for days when I lost my huge rare collection (stupid virus). Only those fucking film songs which can be downloaded easily anyway were saved.

8. I prone to irascible and unpleasant and sudden mood swings. Just Ignore Me.

9. I love cooking though I often mess up and am very apprehensive about giving others a taste. I am a true fan of my creative cooking and would never waste a scrap even if it tastes like crap.

10. Though I was an ardent reader since childhood, I wasn't a confident English speaker. It was easier to pay fine rather than following the ‘only English in the school premises’ rule.

11. I disliked most of my school teachers. Of course the feeling was mutual, the way they complained about me. Oh, biggest turn off those days was PTA meetings.

12. I was selected in Junior District Basket Ball Team, but was not allowed to go because mummy was against her lil girl running around with short skirts (Yea, kinda Bend it like Beckham). Exactly how my stick-like legs would turn on men is something I still can’t figure out. I was sore at her for so long. But then accepted it. If I was that ambitious I’d’ve found a way.

13. Like most people the best three years of my life was obviously the Bachelors years.

14. I have had a bike accident which no one knows about.

15. I love Calvin n Hobbes, Sudoku and Soothran n Sheru.

16. I read Harry Potter whenever I feel low (kinda an excuse to read ‘em again and again)

17. If at all I have ever loved someone unconditionally it is Kunjoos, my nephew.

18. Love happened. I am happy that I experienced it even if there was no happily ever after.

19. I sang in a night club band as a guest singer once.

20. I wanted to learn Karate since the age of 7. Mummy never allowed. Once or twice she gave in and I began classes. But it always came to an end for some reason and I too started thinking whether God has sided with mummy. But now I have joined it again in Delhi and mum has no objection. I’ve joined tennis too. And hopefully horse riding after a couple of months.

21. Not content with Bachelors (Eng), Masters(SW) and 3 Diplomas(Adv, J&M, Photography), I signed up for MA. English – Distance Education.

22. Got into numerous troubles and went for cheap thrills that landed me in shit and my parents in difficulties. Were they worth the trouble? Definitely!

23. I want to adopt a girl child some day, may be one more later.

24. Now that I have accepted that marriage is unavoidable, I’d rather him be rich and hopefully a live n let live type.

25. I live alone and quite enjoy managing everything on my own. Even though my days are absolutely full, at times messed up with typical absentmindedness, I feel a tinge of loneliness at times.


Routines and Zombies

"Hey Ni, remove that group photo from your orkut album, fare-o-well-o"

"Why, that’s d best picture among the lot"
"I know man. It’s just that he has his arm around me in it. If my people or relatives saw it then I am dead"

Oh God, why are all the relatives in the world so stupid and jobless?
And yet why are they taken seriously?!!!

"Hey, don’t send me A-jokes anymore"
"Why, aren’t you an adult?"
"My ettan (elder brother) was furious with me. Said he would tell Appa next time"
"Stupid, why do you show such things to your bro?"
"Oh, he reads my messages and check call lists at times"
"He’s very caring and protective, you see"

Do I see?

                     A week passed since I joined my new office. Lunch time.
I was going out for my usual stroll.

Office Security: Madam, you need to get permission to go out.
Me: What?
OS: Just wait till I call and ask.

Next Day.
Sir, may I go out to have my lunch please?
Manager: (laughing) You see it is not done. We have a valet here. You can give your orders to him.
Sir, I would like to spend my break my way. I prefer going out seeing things and choosing my lunch randomly. I like to watch people on the streets and such.

I don’t know how I managed to convince him, but I did. May be he was in no mood for a fight or didn't have the time.
Can you believe that people (men included) haven’t said anything about this till now! May be they are content to sit and chat in the office terrace the whole of lunch hour. I mean even in schools kids are allowed to do what they like during breaks!?

Heights man! Not the rules, but these dummies.